thesmileserase

Excuse me While I break down. One moment, Don't worry, 'Happens all the time. It'll pass. I'm fine, really. Just let me get home Where I can cry alone Until I fall asleep. Or maybe I'll start taking that Prozac again? Pop three or four more than I should. Get really, really, really happy. Fake happy To make you happy! Excuse me, sorry, Pardon me - Depression coming through.

      It's been raining for days, so unexpectedly. Sometimes it comes at the most perfect of times and leaves the night sky permanently painted an eerie shade of orange.      I hear a pounding on the roof, as if it were penetrating with every drop. I've never heard rain like this before. So hard it must be dangerous. I hear a car splashing down the street. It's a wonder anyone is out at all.      Then I hear you. At least, I hear you in a memory, because you're not here. But I hope you're out driving in the downpour, and stop at my door, shaking, you're wetter than a fish. You delicately take my hand, pull me outside, cool rain dripping

I felt something early this morning, After I almost died. It made me think, "What if?" and "Maybe if...?" And I hate to think about whats and ifs because That means there's hope and hope leads to faith It's hard to have hope and faith when you're so depressed, And the world is falling up and everything isn't the way it's supposed to be. It's turning me into someone else. I'm not the same because now I'm having these thoughts, Which are uncertain yet still cause actions and accidents - I can't control. Maybe if I didn't have this feeling I wouldn't have woke up To realize what I have become. I had another feeling to tell me h

I don't know if I am He says if I am its a bad idea. So many reasons to say no But all such selfish reasons, I'd rather die of the complications Than risk losing another Because "You remember the children you got that you did not get." And if I were to not get once more Every living part of me would die And then what would be the point? He says if I am its a bad idea.

Once inside, as the heat defrosted our cheeks, Your first action was to make me steaming cinnamon tea, Getting me a fleece blanket And all the while, asking a million questions. I liked the hospitality, but soon felt horrible for selfishly giving in. Regret rose inside like regurgitation and I quickly swallowed it back down. Your arms keeping the blanket in place around me Gave off the most comfortable warmth. And when you smiled at me, A half smile, eyes shutting slightly, I felt my cheeks rush with blood, A pink glow that I tried to hide With the baby blue, lint-covered blanket That you were cradling me in, like a child. My

All the while you were here, I was secretly telling you goodbye, Goodbye with a kiss Goodbye with love Goodbye with an argument You will never understand Why I had to let go, I can't even see your face, read your letters or hear your voice, Without being reminded of the hurt you unintentionally caused But intentionally won't put it to an end. This is unfair and bitter, Careless and inconsiderate But it's the only way we'll both be happy. So I leave you with a hint: I took a piece of you with me, Something to always remember you by. Whether this is immature or me being insecure I don't know how to stop this, In any other

I hear a sound that resembles a waitress carrying a tray full of dishes. I can't see her, but I can imagine she's holding cranberry scones on tiny, colored plates and Chai tea in oversized mugs. I look across from where I'm sitting in stillness, among the room full of people looking down, enjoying themselves, discussing, eating, and being. In the midst of them, I notice a chair with a coffee on top. The light reflects off the wooden bars of the chair and gives the Styrofoam cup a different kind of shadow. This shadow is loneliness in another form. It's the kind of loneliness that is like a prison cell with a lonely inmate staring out, longing

I just don't understand, And you know I hate to be confused. I don't want to hear anyone's voice, I don't want to get some air, I think all I need is to be alone and think. I need to shut out the world for awhile. I want to learn what it's like to feel ten feet tall, Instead of 10 inches small. This time I had to just let me be myself, I didn't want to mask how I feel this time with pills or therapy. I'm tired of people telling me, just telling me. I need to accept this me, With depression and dependent personality disorder And with all those years of confusion. Yes, I hear the phone ringing, No, I won't answer it this time